So when is it appropriate?...

So when is it appropriate to put yourself on bed rest?  Tomorrow I'll be 3 weeks away from baby's arrival.  Does that seem too soon?

As my current body image is a little like this (but with smaller hoots {sad})

I think it might be time.

But first I have to finish a lesson for my church group about marriage and relationships.  Marriage and relationships and honest-to-goodness I look like this.

It's going to be awesome.  Mostly I think we'll talk about how the real secret to marital success is having separate bathrooms.  Nora Ephron said that.  Nora "Friggin' I was nominated for 3 academy awards for my romantic comedies including when Harry met Sally" Ephron people--if she doesn't know a thing or two about living happily ever after who does?

Maybe we should all pray to a higher power that I go into labor tomorrow and thus save my church group from any further romantic musings.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Okay.

I need to warn you that getting to the point of this post is going to take a little explaining of basic Mormon beliefs.  Stick with me and I hope it will be worth it.  If it's not, I promise that tomorrow my post will be airheaded at best. Fair?

So.  Mormon's believe that God called prophets to write the Bible.  Pretty basic right?  These men, who lived in Jerusalem and round about were called by God to write and preach the things that he told them. Now, the trouble is that at the time there wasn't really any way to get information to other parts of the world but all of God's children needed to know the things that he was telling the people in Jerusalem (and they also needed some things that were specific to their needs and situations).  Enter the Book of Mormon.  The Book of Mormon was written by prophets who lived on the American continent and contains the same kinds of stories and prophecies that the Bible contains. Both books hold an equal level of sacred importance in our religion.

The first prophet to write in the Book of Mormon is named Lehi and he actually lived in Jerusalem before the Babylonian captivity.  He was warned by the Lord that Jerusalem was going to be taken captive and told that if he left with his family he would be given a land of promise.  Lehi probably thought that this "land of promise" was Canaan but...it was actually somewhere in the Americas.

We're going to jump into the story several hundred miles after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem.  They traveled in the wilderness toward the Red Sea camping and hunting along the way.  At this point the Lord speaks to Lehi and tells him that he neglected to bring any of the sacred writings with him and that the sacred  writings are critical to the success of his journey so he needs to send 3 of his sons back to Jerusalem to get them (we can talk about the timing of the Lord another time but I can see that you are thinking, "that's probably information they could have used a hundred miles ago."  I am thinking that same thing).  So he sends his sons back.

As you can imagine, this is very hard on the children's mother.  Sariah has picked up her whole house and is camping in the wilderness because her husband has had a vision that Jerusalem is going to be destroyed.  Now he tells her that her oldest sons have to go back because they forgot to bring their scriptures. Just so you aren't left in suspense, the boys complete their mission but it takes longer than expected.  After Sariah has waited for the amount of time that they assume it will take and her boys are not yet back she has a little melt down.  She tells her husband that he is crazy and that she can't believe he dragged her into this and that she is sure they are going to die in the wilderness (of course I am paraphrasing).

Lehi's response is a lesson for husbands everywhere.  He holds her and comforts her and assures her that the boys will return.  He doesn't fight.  Then he says this,

"I know that I am a visionary man; for if I had not seen the things of God in a vision I should not have known the goodness of God... But behold, I have obtained a land of promise, in the which things I do rejoice..."

Did you catch the tense there.  He has obtained a land of promise.  This is funny and a little troubling because he has not actually obtained a land of promise and he and his family will wander in the wilderness for a long time before he does.

Today I got it.

We had a typical morning.  It started out with a bowl of cornflakes thrown on the floor, a time out, a second bowl of cornflakes eaten and a third thrown on the floor and another time out.  Then some cuddling because two time-outs in 20 min is hard on everyone and finally we made some yogurt. Claire climbed up on the little step stool and busied herself trying to push everything into the sink.  I asked her to take the canning lids and showed her how after I poured in the yogurt she was going to put them on and then I was going screw on the top.  And.  She got it.  She cheered after she finished each one and when we were all finished she almost cried because she wanted to do more.  And in that one little moment I thought, "we have arrived."

I know that Claire and I still have many years of wandering in the wilderness before we arrive at any kind of promised land.  Maybe the trick to parenting is the same as the trick to surviving in the wilderness as the Lord leads you.  And it's to trust so much in the destination and how great it's going to be that every step forward feels like you are already there even if you'll be finding cornflakes in the nooks and crannies for the next two weeks.

* Book of Mormons (yes, this is actually the correct pluralization despite popular belief) are widely available and if any of you are interested I would be happy to send you one.

When the Mormons Meet...

This weekend is General Conference.  Over the course of 2 days the Prophet and leaders of our church speak to us. It takes place in 5 2-hour sessions (which is daunting if you have an 18-month old--that's a lot of church) and it's broadcast all over the world and translated instantaneously into more than 90 languages.  We'll be watching it from the comfort of our home as it streams live over the internet (I like to call this pajama church which if you are anything like me is the best kind of church). The instruction is good.  It's mostly lots of the same things--be kind, help other people, be grateful, take care of your families.  Nothing ground breaking but always a spiritual experience and always lots to learn.

If I had to make a biblical comparison for understanding sake, I would ask you to imagine that Moses and Aaron were planning a weekend of instruction and they'd asked everyone to gather and listen.  That's pretty much how we feel about it--burning bush and all.

So I've spent this week praying that my heart will be open, that I'll be ready to hear the things I need to hear and that I will be ready to change my life. Consequently it's been a pretty tender week. 

Today I heard this story from story corps which made me cry (like really cry, while I was at the gym--wasn't pretty).  Father Mychal Judge was the first casualty of September 11, 2001.  The story is an interview with the Father who was asked to give the homily at Father Mychal's funeral.  The story is beautiful and you should really listen to it but if you can't here is an excerpt from the homily:

Mychal Judge’s body was the first one released from Ground Zero. His death certificate has the number one on the top … and I meditated on that fact of the thousands of people that we are going to find out who perished in that terrible holocaust … Why was Mychal Judge number one? And I think I know the reason. I hope you’ll agree with me. Mychal’s goal and purpose in life at that time was to bring the firemen to the point of death, so they would be ready to meet their maker. There are between two and three hundred firemen buried there, the commissioner told us last night.
Mychal Judge could not have ministered to them all. It was physically impossible in this life but not in the next. And I think that if he were given his choice, he would prefer to have happened what actually happened. He passed through the other side of life, and now he can continue doing what he wanted to do with all his heart. And the next few weeks, we’re going to have names added, name after name of people, who are being brought out of that rubble. And Mychal Judge is going to be on the other side of death … to greet them instead of sending them there. And he’s going to greet them with that big Irish smile … he’s going to take them by the arm and the hand and say, “Welcome, I want to take you to my Father.” … And so, he can continue doing in death what he couldn’t do in life …
And so, this morning … we come to bury Mike Judge’s body but not his spirit. We come to bury his mind but not his dreams. We come to bury his voice but not his message. We come to bury his hands but not his good works. We come to bury his heart but not his love. Never his love.

Somehow this felt like the perfect way to kick off this very important and spiritual weekend--a reminder that the good we do in this life lives on, that it does make a difference.  That when we are each returned to the dust of the earth those we love and serve will come to bury our bodies but not our spirits, our minds but not our dreams, our voices but not our messages, our hands but not our good works, our hearts but not our love...never our love.

The Holy Lent and Fast: Part II

For Lent this year, instead of giving up sugar and then binging on a million sugary treats come Easter morning I decided to give up something a little more meaningful.  I gave up the mean Chinese mother, Po, who lives in my head (you can read that post here). The experiment went really well and though I wasn't 100% faithful I was mostly faithful. 

Like when I had a lady-type leak at the gym (which was humiliating and here I am documenting it for the whole internet) Po told me that everyone saw it and that I needed to get a new gym because who could forget that and everyone was REALLY grossed out.  My nice, well-rounded mother (who still doesn't have a name but I am taking suggestions) told me that it was embarrassing but that it happens to lots of people.  She reminded me that most of the women there had had it happen at some point in their lives and most of the men there were married to or dating someone who had had it happen.  She also told me that I didn't need to get a new gym and it just wasn't that big of a deal.

There was one week during Lent that I didn't get to the gym even once and I ate horribly (I will only say that cupcakes I made for Claire's birthday were not only cute but there were delicious) but I did a great job of not beating myself up for it. Not listening to Po helped me not worry about getting everything done right now. I did a better job of saying, "here's where I'm going to start and even if it's not perfect, it's where I'm going to start." 

Documenting my relationship with Po has also helped me to realize that everyone has a Po of their very own.  Even the hubbs has said to me since, "my Po said something like...." talking about the way he felt when something didn't turn out quite right at work. Other people who read this blog have mentioned the same thing in conversation--we are all dealing with an immature, scathing, name-calling voice in our heads (or at least, I think most thoughtful people are).  When I was explaining my Lent sacrifice to some friends I realized that I would pop a top if a parent ever addressed Claire the way I was addressing myself.  I should be just as protective of myself as I am of my daughter

I've liked dealing with an internal mother who is a little more mature, who can recognize the hard things but who doesn't get too caught up, who realizes that she is very blessed and who tries to be thankful and happy. I think I'll keep her. Like that year I gave up meat for Lent and then was a vegetarian for the next 6 years.

**The hubbs is coming home on Friday just in time for dinner after a week of being away from us.  I am taking suggestions as to what to prepare for his homecoming feast....anyone? ...anyone? Favorite welcome home dinner?

LDS Writers Blogfest: "The Eternal Blessings of Marriage"

A couple of weeks ago I read this article. Now, this article was provided to the world by the people at yahoo so proceed as you see fit.  The article states that "study after study shows that non-parents are happier than parents." It then talks about how years ago people saw kids as commodities and kids could deliver that.  These days, parents tend to look to kids to fulfill emotional needs and provide meaning to their lives and kids can't always provide that.

The article kind of got me down. The article ends by giving 10 tips to avoid the pitfalls of hating parenting.  The tips are good and include:

1. Give yourself a break—you don't need to be so hard on yourself.
2. Slow down and savor living in the moment.
3. Is more always better?  Simplify everything.
4. Be a little selfish—you deserve it, and it will make you a better mother.

...but I found myself focusing more on the hating parenting thing.  On the dang stat that "parents are less happy than non-parents." It's been rolling around in my head for a while.

Last weekend the Mormons had a conference.  We do it twice a year.  All of the leaders of our church speak. Conference could sort of be the equivalent if the Pope and all of the Cardinals each gave a 10 min speech that was broadcast on the internet and cable stations twice a year. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir plays a big role too. It's not a bad way to spend a weekend.

One of the speakers this weekend said just what I needed to hear.  Elder Richard G. Scott talked about his family. He lost his wife in 1995 after a battle with cancer (after 42 years of marriage).  He also lost two of his children while they were very young (within 6 weeks of one another).  Elder Scott (Elder is a title like Cardinal) knows a little bit about families. Here's part of his talk.

"Once I learned an important lesson from my wife. I traveled extensively in my profession. I had been gone almost two weeks and returned home one Saturday morning. I had four hours before I needed to attend another meeting. I noticed that our little washing machine had broken down and my wife was washing the clothes by hand. I began to fix the machine.

Jeanene came by and said, “Rich, what are you doing?”

I said, “I’m repairing the washing machine so you don’t have to do this by hand.”

She said, “No. Go play with the children.”

I said, “I can play with the children anytime. I want to help you.”

Then she said, “Richard, please go play with the children.”

When she spoke to me that authoritatively, I obeyed.

I had a marvelous time with our children. We chased each other around and rolled in the fall leaves. Later I went to my meeting. I probably would have forgotten that experience were it not for the lesson that she wanted me to learn.

The next morning about 4:00 a.m., I was awakened as I felt two little arms around my neck, a kiss on the cheek, and these words whispered in my ear, which I will never forget: “Dad, I love you. You are my best friend.”

If you are having that kind of experience in your family, you are having one of the supernal joys of life."

Sorry for the long quote. But, his talk was a nice reminder that the yahoo article is only part of the story. I love being a mom.  I love Claire.  I know that I can't count on her to define my life (we learned that lesson from Lilly Casey Smith).  I know that she can't make happy.  My happiness has to come from me but my interactions with her are teaching me about the supernal joys of life.

Thank you Claire, for teaching me to be less selfish and for providing amazing moments in my life (like this morning when we played in the waves and you squeeled when the big ones hit you. And you were covered with goose bumps but you just kept laughing and I looked down and like magic, there was a sand dollar waiting for us.)

Thank you Elder Scott for the reminder. (You can read his whole talk here)

And you can read more posts about people's thoughts from Conference in these places. The names are blog authors and the words in quotes are the names of talks they're responding to.

Annette Lyon: “Desire”
Annie Cechini: “The Spirit of Revelation”
Ben Spendlove: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Chantele Sedgwick: “LDS Women Are Incredible!”
Charity Bradford: “LDS Women Are Incredible!”
Jackee Alston: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Jenilyn Tolley: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Jennifer McFadden: “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home”
Jessie Oliveros: “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home”
Jolene Perry: “It’s Conference Once Again”
Jordan McCollum: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Kasey Tross: “Guided by the Holy Spirit”
Kayeleen Hamblin: “Become as a Little Child”
Kelly Bryson: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Krista Van Dolzer: “Opportunities to Do Good”
Melanie Stanford: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Michelle Merrill: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Myrna Foster: “Opportunities to Do Good”
Nisa Swineford: “Desire”
Sierra Gardner: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
The Writing Lair: “Waiting on the Road to Damascus”

Miss Independant

Remember when we went camping and Claire snuck out of the tent and I had a little heart attack? I knew at the moment that I should have taken a picture but that would have stopped me from running over to scoop her up with my arms flailing.

The good news is it happened again and I had the presence of mind to snap a picture and let her do her thing. We were at a co-op meeting (there will be another post soon about co-op) last week and there were some basketball players that Claire was very interested in. So she made her way over to meet them.  About half-way there she turned around, waved at me and kept going (this shot is right after the wave.  She is that small speck at the bend in the sidewalk).

She is not afraid.  I don't think that's anything she has learned.  It's something she is and has been since before she came to us.

On Friday Claire will have been with us for one year (though tomorrow is the day that we went to the hospital to be induced (it was a LONG labor)). The more I get to know her the more I am convinced that the person she is was something that was determined long before she got here.  We will shape and influence who she is but I am increasingly convinced that we are working with material that was set some time ago. She has always been a sweet, caring little person.  She is demanding and loves to sleep (like her mother) and she is determined, hard working and a picky eater (like her dad) but she is also gentle, loving and happy.

Both of Claire's grandmas are coming for her birthday.  They arrive tomorrow (along with the rainy weather) and we are thrilled to have them even though my house is a mess and hasn't been dusted in weeks.  The good news is I don't plan on getting it done before they arrive (sorry) but I am going to get ready for party with 25 kids under the age of 6. Bring. It. On.

So what do you think?  Are we nature or nurture?

The man upstairs

On Sunday we went for a family walk after church. It was a little chilly so we wrapped Claire up in a blanket crocheted for her by her great-grandmother. Claire's great grandma Betsy will be 92 next week and crocheting a blanket for a new baby granddaughter was no small task as her sight is not what it once was (Here's Claire and the hubbs with great-grandma ).



When we stopped to take Claire out of the stroller in order to do some swinging there was no blanket. I left Claire swinging with her dad and rewalked our path in search of the blanket. I believe in a God that is involved in or everyday lives and I believe that prayer is powerful and creates change. I considered saying a prayer for our little lost blanket--that I could find it, that it would still be there or any small thing to be able to find it.

I didn't.

I didn't pray for those things because I thought of genocide. I've often heard people explain terrible events in the world like cancer and genocide by saying that God allows those things because he has an eternal perspective. Someday things will be better, God will make it even etc, etc. I don't think that the terrible things that happen in the world denote that there is no God. Instead, I think that terrible things happen in this world because it's a natural world and God helps us through those things. So it's hard for me to think that God would help me find a blanket when he isn't going to stop racial violence.

The trick is that I still think God is involved in our daily lives. And the blanket was something that I really did want to get back. I wanted Claire to have some thing that someone worked so hard on for her. How do you reconcile a God who is involved in your everyday lives with a God who has an eternal perspective and doesn't stop bad things from happening?

So instead of praying to be able to find the blanket I prayed to have my heart changed. I prayed that if I couldn't find it I wouldn't be mad, that I would look hard and that I would be grateful if I did find it.

And the good news is, I got to be grateful

The Holy Lent and Fast

In the past my observation of Lent has gone a little like this...I decide to give up treats or some other form of food and then Easter Sunday looks a little like this.



This year I decided to do something a little different. I've been reading the book, Eating by the Light of the Moon: How Women can Transform Their Relationships with Food Through Myths, Metaphors and Storytelling. I hate to say it (due to the fact that it's a terrible cliche) but I have some issues with food. It's ok. I'm working on it/them. And this book is incredible. It's given me a new language to use to talk about food and somehow, talking about it using myths and stories is making the understanding easier (should I be surprised? No). Which leads us to this year's Lent offering.

You know that voice in your head that responds to things you do? You might do something totally brilliant and the voice in your head will say something like, "You rock. Good job." If you do something awkward that voice might say, "my goodness....that was rough." They call that voice your internal Mother. Well it turns out my internal mother is a Chinese Mother. That link is to a New York Times article that you should read. The author argues that Chinese Mothers are superior because they are strict. My favorite bit is this list of things the author's daughters would never be allowed to do.

• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.

My internal mother is like that. She's strict and mean. If I do something awkward she doesn't just say, "that was rough" she says, "You are an idiot! How could you have done that? Everyone will always remember that and you should be VERY embarrassed." The hubbs and I call that mean mamma Po.
I have decided that I don't take well to Chinese mothering so Po is what I am giving up for Lent. For the next 40 days, when things get awkward (which they seem to do alarmingly frequently for me) she's just going to say, "That was rough. What can we learn from that so it doesn't happen again?"

I think that's the kind of mothering I'll take to so I'm giving myself 40 days to try it out. I think it will be better for my body, soul and spirituality then simply giving up treats (which my college roommate asked me to please never do again because it made me so mean).

Ahhh To Practice What We Preach

So the hubbs and I spoke in our religious congregation on Sunday. We each had to speak for 15 minutes (which is a really LONG time to speak). I'll spare you the pages and pages of hilarious stories and thoughtful insight and just give you the quote I built my talk around.

"There are three things which must guide all teachers (and, I would add, parents): first, get into the subject; second, get that subject into you; third, try to lead your pupils (and children) to get the subject into them--not pouring it into them, but leading them to see what you see, to know what you know, to feel what you feel.”

David O McKay
(Parenthetical by me)

Really?

The hubbs and I are speaking in our religious congregation tomorrow. On parenting. That's right, the people who had to take their baby to the doctor after she took a spill from the bathroom counter yesterday and who also had their baby wake up from a nap earlier this week with this scratch spanning her whole cheek because we hate cutting her fingernails are speaking to a room full of families about parenting. Nice.


Keep your fingers crossed.